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Released On:
Friday, July 17, 2009 		BYRON RICKS
www.byronricks.com

HOW TO OVERCOME ANGER TOWARD YOUR FATHER

Searching for Dad



I remember when I first became aware of my out-of-control father-anger. One frigid winter morning
when I was 15, my mother woke me to go with her to the welfare office on Chicago's West Side. She'd
received a notice that her check was being held due to insufficient information. My mother was
mumbling under her breath that all they wanted to know is where my father was, and that she had
answered that question many times before. Heck, I was wondering myself where he was. If he had
been there, I wouldn’t have been freezing to death on that bus.
When we arrived at the welfare office at 9:45 a.m. for
our 10:00 appointment, a woman told us to sit down
and wait for our name to be called. After more than
an hour, I went up and asked how much longer we’d
have to wait. My mother wasn’t feeling too well.
“Sorry about that, but everyone in this room was told to be here at ten o’clock,” the woman said. “Go
sit down until you’re called.” I felt that familiar feeling my anger was rising. My young man’s ego was
starting to distort the whole experience and bring on the familiar feeling that the world was against me
personally.
As I went back to my chair, I thought: My father is a worthless bum for letting me go through this.
What did I do to him to deserve this? It dawned on me that all this was his fault.
Maybe I couldn’t do anything about my father at that moment, but I wasn’t going to be pushed around
by a stranger. I jumped up and headed for the counter again. I hadn’t taken five steps before the
woman locked eyes with me and her posture stiffened. This time she raised her voice. “Listen here, boy,
you are about to get on my last nerve. If you don’t go over there and sit down, you won’t get a welfare
check.”
What happened next surprised even me. “Fine!” I said. “You’ve gotten on my last nerve, too. You can
take that check and shove it! I don’t need your money.”
I heard my mother gasp from across the room. I knew I’d be in trouble for talking that way, but in the
heat of the moment, I stormed out. My mother had no choice but to follow me. That was the day I got
angry with my father—or at least admitted it—for the first time.
I believe my story demonstrates how deep-rooted anger can be for boys and men who grow up
fatherless. When men are unable to identify their fathers as a major source of their anger, they often
suffer from frequent bouts of rage, which is commonly directed at the wrong people. Some men carry
this rage around with them daily and turn it on themselves, which causes stress and self-loathing.
If you grew up fatherless, how can you resolve your anger toward a father who was absent—either
physically or emotionally? You have to face it head on, and that’s why it is important to identify and
understand where the anger comes from so you can monitor it, regulate it, and not hurt
people around you.
Leveraging Your Father-Anger for Healing
For most of us, growing up without fathers in our lives has left deep-seated scars. In the workshops I
teach, even the most reserved, buttoned-up businessmen will become emotional when we talk about
growing up fatherless. In a recent workshop, one man stood up and told the participants that his
absentee father had been dead for more than 20 years, and he was still angry with him. I’ve heard this
sentiment echoed over and over again. The good news is if you face your father-anger, you can move
beyond a lot of the hurt. Here are some strategies that work:
Identify the side effects of growing up fatherless. I recommend that you talk to your dad, if he’s
available. But before you do, write down in advance a list of the side-effects you’ve noticed that resulted from growing up fatherless. These might include low self-esteem, self-destructive habits, poor love relationships, inability to trust authority figures, and so on. I suggest this because it can be clarifying for you before your meeting—or even if you don’t meet with him. You will have a more
defined view of who you were and who you’ve become, and you’ll walk into such a meeting with some
emotional perspective.
Have a conversation with your dad. If your father is still alive, and if you can find him, you owe it to
yourself to try and have a conversation with him. It doesn’t mean lecturing your dad about how growing
up without him has hurt you in countless ways. Your conversation could involve asking him questions,
bringing up memories, and learning new things about him and your childhood that could shed light on
some unresolved feelings. Call him, email him, or even meet him in person, if you are able. If he is
elderly or ill, you can still talk to him. It’s as important for him to reconnect with you—and perhaps
even hear about how your life was without him—as it is for you to be a grown-up son creating some
kind of closure with your dad. Most men find that such a meeting debunks myths they’ve had about
their dad, and helps them see him as a normal, flawed human being who has faced many challenges of
his own in life. Instead of anger, many men come away feeling something more like sympathy or
compassion. And that’s a great step toward forgiving him.
Get your thoughts and feelings out. If your father is deceased or unreachable, you can still tell him
how you feel. Write a letter, make a video of yourself talking to “him,” or leave him a “message” that
you tape on your answering machine or phone memo recorder. Reading, seeing, or hearing your own
words of anger and other feelings will, I guarantee, be a cathartic experience for you. If you want,
delete or throw those records away—for good.
Although you had no control over your father’s presence when you were growing up, you do have
control over his emotional hold on you now that you’re a man. I am happy to say I am no longer angry
with my father. Men have asked me how you I know I am not still angry with him. I tell them that when
I think about my father and the things he did or didn’t do, I blame him for nothing and I forgive him for
everything. Once you truly forgive your dad, your thoughts will turn to constructive actions and provide
an opportunity for you to take a closer look at your life and all the ways you have learned to
compensate for not having a father.


FATHERS.COM - How to Overcome Anger Toward Your Father
Byron Ricks is a certified trainer and seminar leader who
has worked with such companies as Samsung, Fannie Mae,
Pitney Bowes, and ESPN. His new book is Searching for
Dad: Nine Side Effects of Growing up Fatherless and
How to Overcome Them (Brown Books). Byron and his
wife Florence are proud parents of a son and a daughter.
Find out more at www.byronricks.com.



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